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Ham on Wry: Brother keeps digging at San Diego move
In Brooklyn, brother has to deal with winter's snow-covered streets and parking woes, and soaring humidity is on the way for summer.
Ham on Wry: Weighing the different methods of losing pounds
Weight-loss injections come with side effects, gym hips are still costly and wife's elimination of Italian meals is just plain cruel.
Ham on Wry: What the wife wants, the wife gets
Convincing wife a mechanical pet is a better option than a real dog just not happening.
Ham on Wry: Who needs Hallmark when you have Photoshop?
Creating cards and adventures with editing program not only saves money but also ensures lasting memories.
Ham on Wry: Good fortunes outweigh the misfortunes
Following bad advice in the stock market and how a job at 21 has led to a lifetime of happiness.
Ham on Wry: When workouts aren’t working out
Going to the gym and adhering to a strict diet under wife's watch are meant to avoid trouble.
Ham on Wry: Providence, perseverance, existence: One family’s miracle exodus
Parents were able to arrive safely in America during a tumultuous period in history.
Ham on Wry: Step into nature’s playground
Save money by skipping the zoo and having the grandkids watch wildlife in the backyard.
Ham on Wry: Getting lost in translation
Some people question if Brooklynese is actually a language, suggesting it’s closer to an accent.
Ham on Wry: Carrying on traditions via letters and food
Wife's birthday celebration is a success, complete with a visit from Hungarian cousins and their fabulous cuisine.
Ham on Wry: Forgoing a trip to Hawaii
Enjoying the comforts of home with delivered meals, football and more money in the bank
Ham on Wry: Oy to the world
With the new year comes dietary sacrifices
Ham on Wry: Exploits of Brooklyn aunts preparing Christmas Eve feast
Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. him at [email protected].
Ham on Wry: Disciplined dining demands dedication
Spending the holidays away from home? Better keep an extra turkey in reserve.
Ham on Wry: Sibling and sizzle simply sensational
Still dreaming about culinary adventures during visit to New York City
Ham on Wry: Conquering homesickness with culinary triumph
He was left with two choices: Move back to New York or learn how to cook
Ham on Wry: Let him eat cake … and lasagna
Latest orders from wife favor exercise and vegetables over favorite Italian foods
Ham on Wry: There’s no place like home
Looking back on first real estate sales, making move to San Diego
Ham on Wry: Wishing wife a very happy birthday
Irv Erdos' latest humor column, Ham on Wry
Ham on Wry: Wife has eyes set on Paris, not rotisserie chickens
Why go to a restaurant, the beach or a Padres game when you can enjoy cheaper, more comfortable versions in the privacy of your own home?
Ham on Wry: Cold cash or cream cheese captures crafty columnist
Determining worth of speaking engagements, one plate at a time
Ham on Wry: This year’s thrilling Olympics will be hard to beat
With triumphs and spectacles, the 2024 Paris Games were a joy to watch.
Ham on Wry: Gettysburg excess
Biden, Harris and Trump lack the eloquence, communications skills and charisma of past presidents.
Ham on Wry: His proven prescription — Let them eat cake
I was enjoying the broadcast of the Padres game when a depressing commercial appeared about an anti-depression medication. What made it so gloomy was the long list they itemized referencing...
Ham on Wry: What’s in a woid?
Irv Erdos' latest humor column, Ham on Wry.
Ham on Wry: The downside of a fake, pristine lawn
After sweeping and leaf-blowing, maybe he still needs a gardener?
Warning: This column may cause a case of the giggles
I was watching an old rerun of that popular sitcom called "Everybody Loves Raymond," but I’m sure I would have enjoyed it a lot more had I not been subjected...
Need a good laugh? Take a DMV practice test online
Hard to believe it’s been five years since I had to take a test to renew my driver’s license.The good news is that I ed the exam last week at...
Trading the San Diego sun for Montana snow
Greetings from the beautiful hills of Montana.We’re here to celebrate our great-grandson’s birthday.My daughter and son-in-law purchased a beautiful home on the golf course here as he’s a gifted player.In...
This guy knows his way around the kitchen
Breakfast for my wife and me at the local coffee shop came to a pricey $30.Plus tip.The cost of eggs at the supermarket is about 25 cents apiece.It means we...
Cost to resolve problem has him bugging out
We’ve got termites!You wouldn’t know based on personal examination, but I had taken advantage of an offer from a pest control company to conduct a free inspection.The examiner seemed to...
Pasta, pastry and progeny promise perfect Pasqua
Happy to have Aunt Anna from Brooklyn here to spend Easter with us.She’ll the family for today’s big feast, which will include glazed ham, eggplant Parmigiana, scalloped potatoes, sauteed...
What’s the big deal about altering a photo?
Perhaps you saw the relentless news coverage about what they called shameful photo editing by the Princess of Wales.“British monarch rocked by bad Photoshop job,” one headline read.“Kate Middleton photo...
Need to shed some pounds? Check out the FDA website
I was enjoying a bowl of ice cream when I bit into some sort of foreign matter.It was small but hard, like a tiny fragment of wood.I called the company...
Blink and you’ll miss the (free) performance of a lifetime
I enjoyed reading the Feb. 4 front-page story about that popular Tijuana-Tecate tourist train. One of the accompanying photos had a saxophone player regaling the engers along the way.What I...
Recovering from surgery is no easy task
It’s been a joy to have our daughter visiting from Montana. She flew in to help out after my wife’s knee surgery.She spent an entire week with us and she’s...
Extended forecast: sunshine, sea breeze, solace and swagger
Last week, the overnight temperature dipped to 35 degrees.But I shouldn’t complain because my friend reported that where he lives, the thermometer plummeted to 25.BELOW ZERO!But with the wind-chill factor,...
New year brings renewed creativity
For my New Year’s resolutions, I vowed to lose weight.So far, I’m off to a great start having already shed 4 pounds.But according to my wife, I actually gained weight.So...
Brooklyn aunts proclaim: ”Tis the sea, son’
My wife heard me when I told my friend that my in-laws had descended.She objected to my terminology, but I explained that I was talking about altitude. All I meant...
Fact, fantasy and Photoshop
It’s been decades since I graduated from that celebrated New York City institution known as the School of Performing Arts, the one featured in the popular movie “Fame.”Other alumni include...
Succulence and opulence compliments of Costco’s chicken
In this time of rampant inflation, I’ve been pursuing a number of measures to counter those escalating prices.The main source of my tireless efforts to combat the mounting toll on...
Photo finesse: friend or faux?
I gave my wife a puppy for her birthday.He’s an amiable little pooch that never makes a mess, freely scampers about the house, and he can even roll over.All he...
He and the chicken get roasted
With the intrusion of rampant inflation, I’ve been going out of my way searching for more frugal paths.For example, given the astronomical price of gas, I find it’s more economical...
Cutting cuisine, corners, crickets and contentment
With today’s inflated prices, I was determined to explore areas where we might save.For starters, I decided to dismiss the gardener and mow my own lawn.The problem was, I didn’t...
Brooklyn home: No views, no peace, no quiet, no parking. $4 million.
Last week, for their anniversary, my brother took his wife to Le Bernardin, the famous French restaurant in New York City. It’s owned and operated by celebrated chef Eric Ripert.It...
A toast (with jam) to the newlyweds
It was a wedding to .The gorgeous bride was the oldest of three beautiful girls, the progeny of my daughter’s friend of over 50 years.My wife and I were thrilled...
Serving time or tea. It’s an option.
My wife has been dogging me about my excessive weight.Respecting her concerns, I started paying closer attention to my diet. I also ed the local athletic club.It’s what I did...
Brother is a gourmet, a guru and a gift
My brother is a fabulous chef.But that’s not his profession. He’s a philosophy professor.He can offer a lecture on the meaning of life and also prepare the perfect soufflé.He loves...
Is a chance at $1 billion worth the risk?
When the Powerball jackpot hit $1 billion, I jumped in.My wife didn’t approve, pointing out that the odds of winning were around 300 million to 1.“We’re already blessed with a...
Task it or casket: It’s a daily choice
Perhaps you read the recent Union-Tribune story about that woman who knocked on her coffin during her wake.The thought that people can actually err about someone’s ing terrifies me.I worry...
Pillow ad leaves one scratching his head
No doubt you’ve seen those repeated TV commercials with that guy who appears in someone’s bathroom peddling pillows.Those trusting homeowners seem quite calm. In fact, it would be fair to...
Rat rescue, rehab and relocation
I read that story in Wednesday’s Union-Tribune about those 78 rats living inside a van in Escondido.I thought the was about an infestation, but it turns out the rats...
Parents to palace and pestilence
My wife suggested I’d better take a seat before she delivers the bad news.I told her to just spill it.“We’ve got termites!” she cried.She took me outside and showed me...
Leaving house will always cost you
My wife won’t agree, but I maintain there’s really no reason to leave the house.Sure, there was a time when man would have to exit the cave to hunt for...
Pulitzer pick: ed over or ed on?
I watched that recent segment on “60 Minutes,” the one that focused on the mounting interest and vast advances in artificial intelligence.I learned about the popular AI program called ChatGPT,...
The grass is definitely always greener
Perhaps you saw that photo of Pope Francis looking rather dapper in a white puffer jacket. The picture went viral on social media.But there was just one problem: The image...
Never a dull moment with Zizzy in town
We’re happy to have my wife’s aunt Carmela visiting from Brooklyn.My wife calls her “Zizzy,” which is a familiar adaptation of “Zia,” meaning “aunt” in Italian.Zizzy calls my wife “Cara...
A tale of tooth and consequences
After a tooth extraction, an implant, an abutment, and the accompanying ceramic crown, I received the budget-busting bill of just over $5,000.For a single tooth.I thought about the sequential value...
Won’t forget, can’t regret what he did
My wife is concerned about leaving me home alone while she’s visiting our daughter in Montana.I told her I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, and assured her she...
She has a real beef with fake lawn
I gave my wife a dozen roses for Valentine’s Day. She told me they were beautiful and proceeded to plant a big kiss on my lips.That smooch confirmed that those...
Mother had no beef with chicken
I read that U-T story a couple of weeks ago wherein so-called experts suggested “pantry items can pull double duty as cleaning tools.” (Home + Garden, Jan. 21.)I’m glad my...
Well, this is the Year of the Rabbit …
My wife rejected my list of resolutions.She says my promises are disingenuous.“This isn’t a joke,” she complained, pointing to my pledge not to steal a car.“You’ve been iring our neighbor’s...
Voracious and victorious in Vegas
While others favor gambling or attending one of those spectacular shows when staying in Las Vegas, I prefer the buffets.I was surprised to learn that today, they’re nearly double the...
No escaping fishy Christmas tradition
Editor’s note: Here’s an old favorite from Irv’s Christmas past.My wife says I should stop whining about Aunt Anna’s extended visit and acknowledge her positive contributions. She’s right. It’s only...
Friend still taking shots at World Cup
It was disappointing to see the U.S. eliminated from the World Cup.At least they made it to the so-called knockout round, although the result was still a gut punch.Announcers suggested...
Nil chance Brooklyn buddy will fancy ‘football’
Happy to have my friend Stan visiting from Brooklyn.My son Chris came over to say hello and to watch the big game on our widescreen.“You like football?” he asked Stan.“Greatest...
Wife remains determined and driven
My wife insisted on driving to the polls to cast her ballot.Even in a downpour.She votes in person, even though mail-in ballots have been around since the Civil War.“Going to...
Father’s instincts yield treasured family
My wife and I just returned from a wonderful visit with our daughter in Montana.She’s the mother of three grown children, including twin girls and a son, and grandma to...
Bicoastal brawling still at bat
The fierce battle between the Dodgers and Padres reminds me of the National League Championship pitting the Chicago Cubs against the San Diego Padres nearly four decades ago.It was a...
Sharing San Diego’s infinite treasures
I’m thrilled to have my friend Stan visiting from New York City.He’s been eager to get away from the teeming streets of Brooklyn and envies the many comforts we enjoy.He’s...
Columnist recalls royal encounter
Forty years ago, Queen Elizabeth announced she was planning a visit to San Diego. (And they say it never reigns in Southern California.)At about the same time, I was invited...
Eating away at high cost of cruising
I don’t know how I can ever sufficiently thank my daughter and son-in-law for their incredibly generous anniversary gift.Their benevolent offering was an all-inclusive cruise around the Greek islands on...
Bride bugged by big bulk buys
My wife is giving me flak for buying that enormous container of animal crackers at Costco.The doctor has been urging us to lose weight, so she questions why it was...
Evidence of my ‘maturity’ is everywhere
I read that story in the Union-Tribune last week about the plight of those soccer clubs in Europe dealing with aging athletes.“At some point early in their 30s,” the article...
Not immune to coughs, contagion or culpability
It was a great joy to have my brother and sister-in-law fly in all the way from Brooklyn. They used to drive cross country enjoying all the landmarks and attractions...
Keeping things tidy for the cleaner
Several years ago, as a gift to my bride for celebrating a milestone birthday, I hired a house cleaner in an attempt to unburden her from the many repeated chores.My...
Brother’s a (medium) rare breed
I’m thrilled to have my brother and sister-in-law visiting from Brooklyn.He’s a fabulous cook, and she’s a joy to be with.Every meal my brother prepares is a special treat.The time...
Art acquisition was a bust
I was reading the paper while enjoying a juicy cheeseburger I had prepared when I saw that story about a woman who bought a bust at a Goodwill store for...
Running the numbers after big move
We just returned from a lovely visit with our daughter in Montana where we celebrated our great-grandson’s third birthday.My wife insists we pay them a visit every time someone’s birthday...
Ding-dong: distant, divided and delighted
I watched that TV commercial where a stock market adviser is counseling a young couple at the airport while they’re waiting to catch a flight.Does no one question how come...
To sum it up, there’s always a price to pay
With rampant inflation, I decided it would be prudent to do some shopping at the local dollar store.Sadly, everything was now $1.25.I thought about returning all the items to the...
From the bottom of a healing heart
Back, nearly 30 years ago, while I was playing tennis with my 13-year-old, I suffered a heart attack.An ambulance rushed me to the local hospital, with my son crying at...
They’ll always (kind of) have Paris
I told my wife that two-day trip she took to Disneyland with the grandkids cost a little more than the down payment for our first house.Add gas, a hotel and...
It’s not always sunshine and roses
Last week, while it was 12 degrees on the East Coast, the temperature here was a balmy 82.And while snow and freezing rain fell in Brooklyn, the place I left...
Dreaming about living the dream
You may have seen the extensive TV and Internet coverage of that Bel Air estate on the market for $295 million.It’s said to be the most expensive home in America...
Hot news yields cold shoulder
I called my brother in Brooklyn to see how he survived the big blizzard that struck the East Coast last week.My wife says I only call to gloat about our...
Opposites attract in the digital age
I made an appointment to see my doctor about some discomfort in my hip.So when the day arrived, I logged on.I recall the old days when I saw him in...
Cooped up with a rotisserie chicken
My wife says the only reason I’ve been able to cope with the isolation better than most is the fact that I was never a big fan of socialization to...
He’ll build a stairway to heaven
That recent Blue Origin spaceflight, combining science and spunk, was a blast.What’s so great about those missions is the fact that civilians participate. They’re no longer just for veteran astronauts.That’s...
He’s dreaming of a blight Christmas
I’m not suggesting following tradition is a bad thing, especially during the holidays. But tradition is not necessarily the same as convention.Take the Christmas dinner. We’re having liver.To be honest,...
No talent, skills or ability: It’s a gift
Now that Thanksgiving is over, we can turn our attention to Christmas.Fortunately, my wife is in charge of the gift-buying.She felt it would be ill-advised to leave the job to...
For him, bulk buying is the cat’s meow
It appears the pandemic has left yet another economic concern in its wake, namely, disruption of the global supply chain.But although the issue has been in the forefront of the...
Packing (sandwich) bags for Montana
After almost two years of self-imposed isolation, we decided it was finally time to venture out.Our first priority was a visit to our daughter in Montana. So we boarded a...
He has a way with woids
I’ve been having a running feud with my friend from Brooklyn who claims he’s lost his New York accent.“I’m livin’ in Californiar now faw almost toidy yeeyuz,” he argues, “so...
No gift too great for beautiful bride
It’s always a joy marking my wife’s birthday, but it never comes without a challenge.That’s because she has a hard time accepting gifts she deems extravagant.But that doesn’t stop me.So...
Cubed eggs and salamander DNA
My wife says I’m a sucker for the gadgets they hawk on TV.Like that so-called “pocket fisherman” I bought back in 1985. It’s a tiny rod and reel that fits...
Wife balks at buying in bulk
Once again, I caught flak for what my wife said was excessive purchases at Costco.She says buying in bulk is not always the best option.She’s still upset with me for...
Inhaling a dose of reality
I’m not often swayed by TV commercials, but that ad about Downy fabric conditioner got to me.It depicts guys retrieving clothes from the dryer, each successively holding a garment to...
He’s exercised over fitness regimen
I believe it was noting the condition of the Olympic athletes that prompted my wife to comment about my fading form.I had gained a few pounds during the pandemic, so...
Shaken, not shirred: A visit to New York
I just returned from a lovely family reunion hosted by my cousin Joan in upstate New York.I had been staying with my brother in Brooklyn, which is always a treat...