Six years ago, I did something nice for a friend. Today he called to say that his wife had just become a U.S. citizen, and he wanted to tell me how appreciative and grateful he was for my assistance.
Interesting word — gratitude.
I am a big proponent of that word. Grateful is sometimes connected to the word “lucky.” Regardless of all the nuances, the bottom line is proven that you are happier, live longer, remain healthier, if you practice gratitude.
Notice I did not mention richer. Huh. So in 2018 there was an article written by a gaggle of business school professors, Yip, Lee, Chan and Brooks, titled, “Thanks for Nothing: Expressing Gratitude Invites Exploitation by Competitors.”
I don’t write about politics, but maybe the current istration’s global view, well, I’m just sayin’.
But let’s focus on entrepreneurship and the startup world we live in. The study concludes the following, “Expressing gratitude can be costly in competitive interaction.” In other words, the mantra of win-win, let’s work together, thank you for understanding our point of view and working out a neutral and positive outcome is a pile.
“People infer that grateful counterparts are forgiving and more likely to exploit the other side for selfish gain.” This has been called the “negotiators dilemma,” also known as, give them an inch and those rats will try to take a mile. Gratitude it seems can be costly.
Wow. What happened to grow the ecosystem and create a bigger pie?
Allow me to quote words of wisdom from my mother. “Cast your bagel upon the water, and if you’re lucky, it will come back with cream cheese and lox.” Thank you, and please the capers.
Basic economic theory says that people act in accordance with their own best self-interests, in an effort to pursue personal material gain. The key word here is “best.” Figuring out best is hard enough, but then “acting” on that understanding is even more complex.
Now the distinction here is that in noncompetitive social interactions, it is largely agreed that expressing gratitude is a positive emotion. An out-of-town pal breaks a tooth, calls me, and needs a good dentist, I know a couple. (What he really needs is a good litigator to sue the restaurant that left the claw in the lobster bisque).
But when we are negotiating for an economic benefit, the study says that if your side expresses gratitude in any way, then that increases the opportunity for the other side to lie and exploit your kindness.
“When counterparts express gratitude, individuals infer that their counterparts will be particularly forgiving, which in turn motivates selfish behavior.” The paper says that expressing appreciation invites exploitative behavior by competitors. And if your side leans in on forgiveness and understanding, then prepare to get your clock cleaned.
I found the study fascinating, but I don’t subscribe. The problem for me in the study is that it does not take into the likelihood that I am going to see the same guy that I just crushed, sitting across the table from me in a couple of months.
Hey, I you. Oops.
While I know the research paper is filled with statistics and citations, etc. that prove their thesis, by the same token, I am not personally convinced that if I say thank you occasionally, that I will get taken advantage of in a deal.
This circles back to the word “best.” If the life you are living is informed by a recognition and expression of personal gratitude to others, and if that enhances your health, happiness, social joy and human connection, then it is a no-brainer to leave a few dollars on the table.
My private position is that a sprinkling of gratitude and forgiveness in the cosmos of entrepreneurship and deal-making actually improves your negotiating skills and the outcomes. It elevates your humanity.
My pal, the late Dan Kahneman, would add that “reciprocity” is also often in play. It operates as a form of priming, a subconscious intuitive process that “tends to quickly produce a coherent reaction,” as in, OK, fair enough, you have a deal.
The world is not zero-sum. And that at the end of day, you still have to look in the mirror and try to fall asleep.
Rule No. 787: You’re welcome.
Senturia is a serial entrepreneur who invests in startups. Please email ideas to [email protected]
