Today marks a momentous period in my wife’s life as we’ll be celebrating a milestone birthday.
I would articulate the actual number, but I’m not certain she would appreciate the disclosure.
It would, however, be accurate to suggest she looks at least 20 years younger than her birth certificate insinuates.
But in addition to providing me with her extraordinary allure, she gave me three fabulous children.
When I say “gave me,” it would be accurate to suggest I made a contribution. The good news is that it’s clear, given their striking appearance, they happily possess considerably more of her genes than mine.
She’s not only able for three children, but eight grandchildren and four greats.
Although she gets all the accolades, I still attempt to call attention to the fact that I played a role.
According to the calendar, she has stuck with me for over half a century. I mention this, not as yet another of her enduring assets, but as one of her obvious flaws.
Don’t get me wrong, that failing is not just my opinion, but the view of many.
But even with such questionable taste and judgment, I’ve kept her close.
In order to find a special gift for the big birthday, I went to Costco.
Some suggest, for such a momentous occasion, perhaps it would have been more prudent to purchase something at a more prestigious vendor, but as most folks know, in addition to rotisserie chicken, it also sells fine jewelry.
So I bought her a beautiful gold necklace. It was rather expensive, but fitting for such a special occasion. I plan to present it to her today.
The good news is that she will insist that I return it.
She will suggest, just like all the other times I bought her expensive jewelry, that it’s too extravagant.
She will thank me profusely, give me a big kiss, then hand it back to me for the return.
In other words, I get all the acknowledgments, appreciation and accolades one would expect from receiving such a priceless gift, for exactly zero cost.
She can’t return it herself because I’m the one holding the Costco card, so they have to give me the refund.
I would hand her the cash, but that would be crass.
I’m not suggesting I won’t replace the necklace with something else, so I’ll proceed to pick out beautiful flowers.
When I say beautiful, I don’t mean daisies. This is a milestone event, so I’m talking about roses. They’re not cheap, because at Costco, they don’t come with baby’s breath, so you have to pay extra.
Still, even with the added enhancement, those flowers are a fraction of the cost of that necklace, and still cheaper than the floral arrangements they sell at the local supermarket.
Later today, I will present that necklace to her, and after the boundless thanks and that big kiss, plus her inevitable insistence that I return it, we’ll enjoy a lovely rotisserie chicken dinner.
Happy birthday to my beautiful bride.
Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. him at [email protected].
