I had been living with my battered lawn for a couple of decades when I finally decided to install a lush carpet of artificial turf.
Technology had come a long way, so that fake grass not only looks great but appears natural.
It wasn’t easy to get approval for the installation. I had to apply to the homeowners association for their consent.
Dealing with them is never easy because of their strict rules and regulations.
And you’d better be in full compliance.
If not, expect a letter.
First, it’s a friendly reminder about your transgression.
Then it’s a lien.
Then an auction.
Finally, you’re living in a Buick.
And that’s why I take those notices seriously.
If you’re in default, you have an opportunity to make amends. But if you don’t, you must suffer the consequences.
I’m not really sure what they would entail. Perhaps it does mean residing in your car.
Or you can just mow your lawn.
In addition to my request to install the fake grass, my application had to be accompanied by letters from the neighbors granting their permission.
It was a demanding exercise before I finally got the lawn sanctioned, but now it looks fabulous.
And there’s no need for soil amendments, conditioners, irrigation, fertilizers or weeding.
Or a gardener to mow it.
The only drawback is the effort required to keep it looking perfect. Frankly, I never anticipated that problem, but I get distressed if anything disturbs its flawless appearance.
Like falling leaves.
That was never an issue before because dead leaves on a shabby-looking lawn didn’t seem to bother me, so I’d just ignore it.
Until the HOA sent me a notice.
But now, a single leaf on a perfectly pristine lawn presents an eyesore.
So I pick it up and discard it. (Even before the HOA letter arrives.)
Sadly, it’s never just a single leaf.
There are countless numbers falling daily from that huge carrotwood tree in my front lawn.
And it’s not just leaves that descend. It’s also seeds.
And seed pods.
And husks, pits, stems, skins and shells.
All streaming from that single tree.
It makes me regret I let that gardener go.
He used to come once a week. I thought I was saving money when I discharged him after installing the fake grass, but now I’d need him daily.
But who could afford that?
So, each morning, I’m out there sweeping my fake lawn.
The added work reminds me of the effort I used to incur shoveling snow back when I lived in New York. But that was easy compared to the eternal shower of rubble cascading from that carrotwood.
I thought about getting rid of the tree altogether, but It’s about 50 years old and provides welcome shade.
And removal would also require approval from the same homeowner’s association.
Plus the neighbors.
Add the huge expense to extract it.
So I bought a leaf blower instead.
It blows all the debris into the street.
Regrettably, I can’t leave a mess like that in the middle of the road because we have a homeowners association.
So I tried blowing everything into a single pile, which would allow me to sweep it all into a trash container, only it turns out that plan is a physical impossibility.
So I wound up using a broom, which is exactly what I used when the debris was on my fake grass, only then it was confined to my lawn instead of strewn around the neighborhood.
So I’m back to where I was before I purchased that leaf blower, sweeping the lawn each day while praying for a snowstorm to blanket the debris and provide a little respite.
Like the last snow we had in 1967.
Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. him at [email protected].
