My wife won’t agree, but I maintain there’s really no reason to leave the house.
Sure, there was a time when man would have to exit the cave to hunt for sustenance, but today there’s Costco delivery.
It was the pandemic that put us on a path toward quarantine and seclusion, but thanks to technology, it was all rather manageable.
So, instead of using a bow and arrow to secure my dinner, I just hit a few keys on my cellphone, and a rotisserie chicken shows up at the door.
And while others are eager to get back to a more social routine, I got used to the isolation.
I’ve also been attending office meetings and conferences on Zoom.
Even a wedding.
It was for my cousin and his bride back in in New York.
I saved about $1,000 on airfare, hotels and restaurants.
And I didn’t need to rent a tuxedo. Or even wear pants.
Neither did I have to shop for a gift, wrap it, or mail it.
I just logged on to my Amazon .
Even my last medical appointment was on Zoom. I’m trying to convince my doctor to run the next exam in the same manner.
But he says I’m going to have to come in personally this time, insisting he can’t perform a colonoscopy on my cellphone, regardless how small it may be.
“How can you stand being cooped up in the house all day?” my wife questions. “Don’t you want to enjoy the outdoors once in a while?”
“I step out every day,” I reply.
“I mean other than to retrieve the newspaper,” she mutters.
But I’m happy staying at home. The problem arises when visitors show up because my wife insists we have to escort them everywhere.
The cousins insist they want to go to the famous San Diego Zoo, regardless of the cost or the odors.
I would simply hand them the car keys and directions, but my wife insists I play host. Not only must I drive them everywhere, but also pay for the entrance fees.
I estimate if I never took guests to the zoo, SeaWorld or the Safari Park, I would have had enough to buy a Ferrari.
And you’d think after all those attractions, they’d be content. But then they want me to take them to the beach.
Why do we have to go to the beach, I question, when we have a pool?
But my wife won’t let anyone use it because she says I overdo the chemicals. I insist it’s the extra chlorine and acid that makes the pool so pristine. Worthy, I suggest, of a spread in a decorator magazine.
Still, my wife insists it’s not a good idea to let the cousins swim in it. Not since the redhead dove in and emerged a blonde.
All’s OK now that everyone left and I’m home with my big screen and chicken. Yesterday, we watched a travelogue with a scene depicting the beautiful Eiffel Tower.
My wife sighed and asked why I never take her to a place like that.
So I made a commitment and promised to break from the isolation and take her there for our anniversary in August. Southwest has a $49 Las Vegas special.
Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. him at [email protected].
