I’ve been having a running feud with my friend from Brooklyn who claims he’s lost his New York accent.
“I’m livin’ in Californiar now faw almost toidy yeeyuz,” he argues, “so I’m soitan I no lawnga display any evidence to suggest I once was a New Yawka.”
But I beg to differ.
“I sense that you still might be retaining a hint of an accent,” I say.
“Absoid!” he declares.
“Trust me, there are certain words you tend to mispronounce.”
“Something less than poifect?”
“Sadly, yes. Do you realize you have a habit of failing to pronounce the letter ‘R’">
“A woithless assoition,” he insists.
“What I find mysterious,” I explain, “is that you seem to drop the ‘R’ when it’s needed, yet add it when it’s not.”
“You mean sometimes I choose to leave off dat letta and vicer versar?”
“Exactly. Has that not occurred to you?”
“Neva. What a peculia idear.”
“Would it be OK with you if I picked your brain a little to try to prove my point about your questionable articulation?”
“OK, but it will be an empty soitch.”
“Have you heard that they’re bringing back that popular cop show to TV?”
“You mean Lore and Awda?”
“There you go again, adding an ‘R’ where there is none, and deleting it when there is one. It’s not Lore and Awda,” I explain, “it’s ‘Law and Order.'”
“Dat’s what I said.”
“Never mind, let’s just move on. If a young man is called a boy, what do you call a young lady?”
“A goil.”
“And what about the word that comes before ‘second’?”
“Dat would be foist.”
“And following ‘second’?”
“Toid.”
“Can you tell me the name of the fixture in the bathroom, also called a commode?”
“You mean da tirlet?”
“And what do you call the lubricant you add to your car engine?
“Dat would be moda irl.”
“Do you realize you’re always swapping the letters ‘ir’ and ‘oi’?
“You got a pirnt?”
“My point is, it’s a clear and obvious failing you seem to be incapable of amending. Can you tell me what you must do with eggs before you can turn them into egg salad?”
“Soitanly. Foist you birl ’em.”
“I think if you ever got a handle on when to pronounce an ‘R’ and when not to, you’d have half the battle won. Perhaps a little coaching would help. I know a retired professor with a Ph.D. in English literature who’d be happy to lend a hand.”
“Save it faw da amachas. I don’t need no lectcha by some fawma teacha wid a liditcha diplomar.”
“Then let me offer this final challenge,” I say. So I wrote the word “sirloin” on a piece of paper and handed it to him. “If you can find a way to recite that word without transposing the ‘ir’ and ‘oi’,” I propose, “I’ll take back all the criticism and reconsider my concerns about your elocution.”
He thought about it awhile before finally delivering his answer.
“Hamboiga!” he proudly proclaimed.
humor columnist Irv Erdos at [email protected].
