VanDiver is a Navy veteran, co-founder of the Truman National Security Project San Diego Chapter and a resident of Clairemont. He’s on Twitter at @ShawnJVanDiver.
“Don’t go back to Virginia, Daddy. I need you here with me.”
Those are the words that shattered my heart and fundamentally altered my brain. It was Labor Day weekend 2011 and I was visiting San Diego where my then-2-year-old son was living with my mom while I attended a Navy school for six and a half months. We were just leaving the park, where we had had a lovely time, and he wanted to let me know that he didn’t want it to end.
For many years, it was Ryan and me against the world. I was raising him as a single parent while on active duty in the United States Navy. Once I left the Navy, we were navigating together a new world and I wanted to make sure to capture some of the details for posterity but wasn’t quite sure how.
On his seventh birthday, I began publicly sharing our adventures together in essays on HuffPost. I continued the tradition on his eighth birthday and ninth birthday, then took a break for a bit before doing it again last year when he turned 12. I don’t know whether I started doing it for him or for me, but it’s become a thing I can give him that is special and between us. Kind of. Because it’s also on display for everyone to see; Ryan and I share a love of things publicly sentimental.
Ryan and I have had quite the journey since the day he broke my heart with those words. We’ve lived in six different homes together, we added a mom and sister to the family, and, like all fathers and sons, we’ve butted heads from time to time on matters of chores, behavior, candy intake and more.
Learn more about the author on the U-T’s Name Drop San Diego podcast:
Ryan’s had some experiences that are a little different than some other kids as well. He’s met presidents, visited the White House, enjoyed fun concerts with grandma, vacationed all over the U.S. and Mexico, won futsal championships, and more.
This year, Ryan has surprised us.
We expected he would love his baby sister Daphne, now 14 months old, and would be interested in hanging out with her from time to time, but he has obliterated expectations. Her entire being lights up when he walks into the room.
One morning, Ryan let us know that his baby sister, at that point eight months old, was crying at 11 p.m. and he happened to have woken up to grab some water. Instead of alerting us, he picked her up, changed her diaper, and rocked her back to sleep all on his own.
That was an inflection point for me and for my wife, Stefanie. It gave us a moment to look back and reflect on how much he’s changed over the past year. How his behavior is less that of a little boy and more that of a young man.
He also surprised us when he was digging through my old Navy stuff in the garage and ran into a bit of a pickle. I was out running errands and got a text that said “When will you be back?” followed shortly thereafter by “I was playing with your handcuffs and I can’t find the key. I’m fine, don’t rush home.” It was a nice reminder that our curiosity sometimes gets the better of us and we all sometimes need a little help, no matter how capable we are.
At some point this year, Ryan declared that he wanted to ride jet skis for his birthday. As it happens, Stefanie’s side of the family has a house in Idaho, right on Lake Coeur d’Alene. We thought it would be a great spot from which to celebrate Ryan’s ascendance into his teens. But the Delta variant thwarted our plans, so we ended up having to cancel a couple of weeks ago.
It turns out, that was the best thing that could’ve happened. On Saturday, Ryan and I rented a jet ski on Harbor Island and spent an hour and a half zipping across the bay. The feeling of his arms tightly wrapped around my midsection as we sped underneath the USS Midway’s port side made me wonder: Is this the last time my boy will want to hug me tight?
He turns 13 on Aug. 11 and I’ve gotta tell y’all that this birthday snuck up on me, but I’ve been thinking about it every day for about a month. I’ve been looking back at our journey together through Facebook memories and old photos. Thinking back to what it felt like to be in those moments with him has made me realize just how much our lives have grown together. About how Ryan shaped me as a leader, a father and a friend.
And now he’s going to be a teenager. I’d be lying if I didn’t share that I’m a little bit scared. I am certainly worried that I didn’t do enough or that I was too harsh on him. That I didn’t give him the tools to make it as he navigates the world on his own. I take solace in the knowledge that Ryan didn’t just have me teaching him how to be human, he had an incredible fabric of friends, family and loved ones who helped mold him into the young man he is today.
I think about all of the adventures we’ve had between him telling me he needs me that day after the park and his arms wrapped around me on the jet ski this weekend. I am so proud of how he naturally nurtures his sister and how he stepped into his role as her big brother. I am so proud of the person Ryan has always been, a young man full of integrity, humility and kindness for others. And I’m so proud that he is eager to explore the wonders of the world and unafraid to ask for a little help when he needs it.
